So I pulled what could be considered a real bitch maneuver this weekend. It wasn’t on purpose, and in retrospect, I can almost grasp the reasons why, but in the end, the only one to blame for the feelings that led to said bitchiness was me. If you know me well, you know I’m all about accuracy in times, dates, etc. when reporting an event, so this lovely world of cell phones and all manner of electronic gadgets lends itself nicely to my mild OCD in that respect.
6:06pm: Rob calls to tell me he, Brian, and Matt are heading up to the Italian Fest, and asks me if I need in and out access to the driveway, or if it’s cool that they park there. I’m all, “Sure, great, no problem. We are planning on heading up there too; I just need to run through the shower.” Of course we are going to walk since it’s only a block and a half down, so I don’t need access out of the driveway, and thus don’t mind being blocked in.
7:00-ish: I am out of the shower and ready to roll. Look at Keith, “You ready to hit it?” He tells me no, he want to wait til it’s dark. “Dude, that’s like two and a half hours from now—seriously??” He’s serious. So I am mildly perturbed and head out to the balcony with a book and a glass of wine. Shortly after 8, Keith is ready to go.
8:14pm: I text Rob, “You guys still at the beer tent?”
8:20-ish we are outside and my driveway is empty- wide open. “Aw, those guys already left!”
8:23pm: Rob texts me back, “Just left your house going to Brian’s”
So we get up to Hertel bearing a 12 pk for the Mineo & Sapio gents, are wolfing down complimentary sausages, and I am watching the crowd go by as we stand off to the side on Lovering… faces upon faces, people laughing and with friends and family and kids, and my lame-ass heart is breaking, b/c I’d led myself to believe that tonight I’d be spending some quality time with friends of yore. MY friends, who I see a few times a year—but I was planning on seeing them tonight. And I started practically crying. Really… I was that much of a jackass. I was all like, “I don’t even want to be here; I’m sorry. What am I going to do.. follow you and Pierro around all night? I’m just going to go home.” He didn’t know what to do or say. He says first that Pierro’s working and let’s just go back to my place, and I’m all, “Why?? So we can sit around on the couch all night and watch tv??” What a BITCH!
So he starts heading back up my street and I follow, and I cried halfway home, which to be fair, was only about a block. And the thing that made me want to cry all the more was that he had nothing to do with how I was feeling. I am no longer a part of those guys b/c I stopped participating. A long time ago. A long time before Keith. Maybe when I moved back from Charlotte. I thought everyone was so nearby, and I had all the time in the world to get re-acclimated. I never did. Like I said, no one to blame but me. I’ve got Keith, and he’s awesome. But I’ve somehow made him to be my everything. And that’s me.. my doing. I stopped putting in any effort when it comes to the outside world. A long time ago.
It’s pretty pathetic. So it ends tonight. Actually, it ends next week. I’m going to a seminar next Tuesday with my mom, and everyone knows seminars change everything, as much as mom’s do. Win win, right?
